I just had my worst break-up yet. Because it wasn't with a guy. It was with a girl.

No! I am not bi-sexual. I haven't met a prince but it hasn't sent me swimming the other way. This was a friend.

It's funny how we use that word. We use it about men we date and sleep with but aren't our "real boyfriends." We use it about kids we grew up with. We use it about colleagues when relationships extend past the office. The word is often casually thrown around. But when you have a real friendship you know it. And it's to be valued.

Mine apprarently was not what I thought. I don't feel she was really my friend. In her last e-mail she told me she loved me and hoped we would stay friends. I have a tip for anyone reading. If you have a relationship you feel worth keeping, should a problem with that person arise try something archaic like talking about it with them on the phone. Or, godforibid, meet for coffee to discuss it in person. At worst take a pen and a piece of paper and write a letter. Stamps now cost 39 cents, a bargain to get your words read these days.

But...

Under no circumstances EVER choose to let it all pour it, no holds barred, in an email. And if you do something like that either print it out to read to yourself or press delete. You have to have your head examined if you press send.

Because if you press send I can only think:
A) You did not have your head examined, or
B) You wanted to end the friendship

Hence:
C) She was not my friend. (see above)

I am glib here, but believe me I am sad. I liked this person. I believed in her. This was not the first time she acted out but I thought we had moved forward from that. I thought her trustworthy, I thought her ability to see and preserve the big picture was bigger than hurt feelings that could have been met with compassion and processed if they were presented in the first place. But I thought wrong.

I'd never been on the receiving end of such a vitriolic rampage. When I watched Alec Baldwin defend himself on the View this week for doing that on voicemail to his daughter I had a better idea of what had gone down. Of course the point is it's not our business what he says to his daughter. I can't imagine going on national television to discuss this mishigos about my friend.

People come into our lives for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. I'll understand better in time. The good parts were good. The apology that arrived five days later could sadly not compensate. Besides, it apologized for the behavior but basically opted to condone it. Different folks for different strokes. That stroke is toxic for me. I hope she will learn to adjust the lever that goes off the Richter scale when her buttons are pushed so the real feelings and problems can be dealt with. Instead they get bypassed because of the newer problem created by the anger. I am sorry for the confusion that pushed her buttons. I would have sorted it out in heartbeat. But then most conflicts are rarely about what happened. They are about a dynamic. Ours apparently was not a healthy one.

When a door closes another one opens. I closed two this April. One with a guy, a door that just closed easily behind us. And this one that slammed into my face before nailing itself shut. Now I am in the hallway looking at more closed doors. And all I have to do is keep living and a brand new one will invite me in.